Questions to Ponder...it's quite scary just seeing how many of these there are!

Author unknown

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your obstetrician leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams?
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
• On a high rise building, how many floors do you need to go up before you no longer require fly screens on the windows?
• Is it true that 87.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot?
• Why is freight inside a car called a shipment while the same freight on a ship is called cargo?
• What language do multi-lingual people dream in?
• If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
• When French people swear do they say "pardon my English"?
• Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
• If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
• “Cute as a button” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
• Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
• Can you get cornered in a round room?
• In that song, "she’ll be coming around the mountain", who is she?
• Why is it that if something says, “do not eat” on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
• Wouldn’t it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
• Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in "mother in law", they come out to Woman Hitler?”
• Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?
• Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
• What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
• Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
• If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
• If heat rises, then shouldn’t hell be cold?
• Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
• Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
• Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
• Why do companies offer you “free gifts?” Since when has a gift NOT been free?
• If something “goes without saying,” why do people still say it?
• You know the expression, “Don’t quit your day job?” Well what do you say to people that work nights?
• Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
• Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
• Which way does a compass point in space?
• Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can’t we run outside naked?
• If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
• If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
• Why aren’t safety pins as safe as they say they are?
• Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
• Do movie directors still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
• Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
• Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
• Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
• If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver’s license?
• How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don’t take off the price if you get something taken off?
• If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
• If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
• Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
• Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
• Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
• If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
• Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
• Why is “number” abbreviated as “no”? When there is no “o” in number?
• Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
• Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
• If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
• When a boy is named after his dad, he is called ‘Junior,’ but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
• If all of the Acme stuff doesn’t work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
• 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
• Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
• Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going too ?
• Since there is a rule that states “i” before “e” except after “c”, wouldn’t “science” be spelled wrong?
• Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
• Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
• Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
• Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?
• If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
• Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What did cured ham actually have?
• If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
• If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
• If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
• Can a blind man see his future?
• Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
• Why do people say, “you’ve been working like a dog” when dogs just sit around all day?
• Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Can crop circles be square?
• Why are there black lines on a basketball?
• If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
• Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
• When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
• What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who’s name is Jack?
• If a criminal turns himself in shouldn’t he get the reward money?
• If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
• When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?
• If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
• Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
• What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
• Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
• If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
• If the weather man says “it’s a 50% chance of rain” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
• If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
• If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
• When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
• Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
• Can’t anybody who has a job go in the “employees only” doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say “employees of this place only”?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• If the police see someone committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
• Is an alcoholic just a drunk that’s scared of a hangover?
• If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
• If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God…is it possible that there’s another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
• How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
• If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would their kids be identical?
• If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
• Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
• If you can test drive cars at the dealer’s, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store?
• Is there anything easier done than said?
• Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?
• If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
• Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
• If a 911 (000 for Oz) operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
• Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: "rub a dub dub, three men in a tub"?
• Why do they call it “morning sickness” in the middle of the afternoon?
• Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
• If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
• Can vampires donate blood?
• If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
• If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
• If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
• Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
• What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
• If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?
• Do fish ever get thirsty?
• If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
• If you stick stickers onto non-stick pans, would they stick on?
• Can angels eat devils food cake?
• If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
• If dinosaurs had sores………what would they be called?
• Why are there dents in a golf ball?
• How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
• What would happen if you put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?
• How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
• If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
• Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
• If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
• If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right of way?
• Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren’t?
• Isn’t it scary that the word “therapist” is the same as the words “the” and “rapist” put together?
• Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
• Do pigs pull ham strings?
• If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
• Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You’d get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
• If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere…which way does it spin at the equator?
• If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
• If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• What does OK actually mean?
• What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
• Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
• If one man says, “it was an uphill battle,” and another says, “it went downhill from there,” how could they both be having troubles?
• Why do we say “bye bye” but not “hi hi”?
• Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
• Why doesn’t the glue in the bottle dry up?
• If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
• If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
• Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
• Why do they call it your “bottom”, when it’s really in the middle of your body?
• Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
• Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
• Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
• Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
• Can a guy named Nick have a ‘nick’name?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
• If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
• How fast do hotcakes sell?
• If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
• If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Don’t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their “practice” ?
• What do you call a female daddy long legs?
• If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
• Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?
• Why does mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries” go out of date next year?
• If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
• Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
• Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
• Does a postman deliver his own mail?
• Do mimes watch silent movies?
• Why do people say “You scared the living daylights out of me” when daylight is not living?
• If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
• Why are boxing rings square?
• Why is it called pineapple, when’s there neither pine nor apple in it?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
• If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
• Do sore thumbs really stick out?
• What’s the opposite of opposite?
• If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
• Is the opposite of “out of whack” “in whack”
• If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
• Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
• Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
• If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
• If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, “Everybody get down”, would all the people start dancing?
• Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
• How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
• If you cut off a glowworm’s tail would it be delighted?
• If you say something is indescribable, isn’t that describing it?
• Do Dutch people always split the bill?
• If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
• If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty?
• Why do they call it a black light when it’s really purple?
• If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
• Did they have antiques in the olden days?
• If Pringles are “so good that once you pop, you can’t stop” why do they come with a resealable lid?
• What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
• If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
• Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?
• If when people freak out they are said to be “having a cow”, when cows freak out are they said to be “having a person?”
• Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
• What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
• Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
• What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
• Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
• Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
• If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Why is it that when a person tells you there’s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there’s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
• Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
• How does Santa get into a house that doesn’t have a chimney?
• What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
• What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
• I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
• If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels?
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as 4’s?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How can someone “draw a blank”?
• How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
• How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you’re never in darkness?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
• If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
• If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
• If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
• If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
• If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
• If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
• If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong?
• If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbour, will he complain?
• If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you’re done?
• If you take a shower, where do you put it?
• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
• What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What is another word for “thesaurus”?
• What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
• When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
• When you’re sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Who invented accents?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why aren’t there bulletproof pants?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop eventually?
• Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
• Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
• Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
• Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
• How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
• Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
• Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
• If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
• Why do mattresses have designs on them when they’re always covered with sheets?
• If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
• How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?